Story from the Frontlines: On Beans and Noses, Revisited

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Story from the Frontlines On Beans and Noses Revisited

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What is This?

Stories from the frontlines are anecdotes about how to apply ProblemOps in the real world. Hear examples from different authors sharing how they've lived ProblemOps in the world.

How it Started

What do you do when you're working with people who can't get on the same page? It can be tricky. It can be frustrating.

There could be a lot of situations:

1. People may think they know better
2. People may say something and act differently
3. People may not listen to your advice
4. People may seem to disregard your needs
5. People may react negatively or defensively

You know, people stuff. Humans being humans.

Jared Spool has a great article on Beans and Noses. It was one of the first real pieces of people-first leadership advice I've ever received.

You can watch people stick a bean up their nose, and you can't control that, but you can try to build trust with them.

The "Bean" is the decision or line of thinking that someone has. The "Nose" is the outcome: uh oh, did you stick a bean up your nose and now you can't get it out? Did your nose start bleeding? Do you need to go to the hospital?

Look how happy that person is sticking the bean up their nose.

Sometimes working with other people (leaders, peers, family members) feels like this. We're watching catastrophes happen in real-time. The other person thinks it's great. We've provided advice, or suggestions, or even argued with them about why it's not great. "Stop doing that". "Don't do that, something bad will happen". Maybe they listen, maybe they don't.

Maybe you've heard this one before: "We don't need to do research. Just launch it. We'll train users."

Bean alert! Bean alert!

So what should we do when we see beans go up noses? When they won't listen? Do we argue? Do we run away? Or do we try to serve their growth?

That's the real challenge in people-first leadership. You can argue all day, but it won't inspire change. Arguing will lead to the person shoving the bean further up said nose. People get more defensive. They don't see you as an ally at all when you do that, they see you as the person who doesn't see them.

One thing I've learned: I and the other person are probably not speaking the same language. I may think it's a bad decision. Do THEY think it's a bad decision? Do I understand their perspective about why? If not, I'll be speaking past them and never align.

I have to seek to understand before seeking to be understood. They must make their own conclusion that the bean is bad for them. That happens on their timeline, not mine.

You first have to de-escalate defensive mindsets. Then the space for trust can be built. Then, one day, maybe, they will take your advice. But at the end of the day it's not even really a matter of whether they do. It matters that you trust each other and can work together. Whether they listen to you before the bean or after the bean, you are on the journey of trust building. People-first leaders prioritize trust and opportunities to align first.

And now, let's get into "Beans and Noses, Revisited".

How it Proceeded

It was six months into my UX career and I was working as a UX designer at an agency. My first project was with a team who was building a product they knew well. They were experts in their subject. Their product had a lot of unique advantages. They asked our team to explore how to bring something unique and valuable to market.

We started our continuous discovery and working together to define strategy. We learned about how consumers thought and behaved. We learned what stops them from proceeding with purchasing houses. Our team presented our progress to the founders and their team every two weeks.

We thought we were well on the same path of alignment. Three months in, we had created plans, built alignment, and collaborated with them. We presented our recommendations for go-to-market and the first release. It was logical. It was well informed. It was aligned. It was knowledge-based. Everyone was in the room when we presented plans. We made decisions with the team, and brought them along in our process.

Fast forward two months later. The founder comes to our team one day and abruptly says: "Throw the research away. Stop doing everything. I want you all to start over, and start working with me. You will gather requirements from me."

We worked with the founder and re-defined the whole product vision. And spoiler alert: it was the same vision we threw away. Two months of back-and-forth discussions, and requirements gathering, led to the same plan. I worked with the founder to document problems and use cases, but the entire time I felt ignored. I felt misunderstood. That was my singular focus: "Understand me". They didn't understand my perspective.

This was the moment. The moment I heard that, and could have built a shared understanding with the founder, but didn't. I could have asked "What are the outcomes you are trying to achieve" like Jared Spool describes. Instead, I reacted negatively. I operated out of fear that my work would be wasted. "Why were we even hired if they're just going to do the work over?". I felt righteous in thinking this. I was thinking to myself, "UX is the right way, we did UX, we already know the way". I would get short with others, and argued with teammates over why the client was wrong and we were right.

Someone sent me the Beans and Noses article when I complained to them about the issue. It was a gift. I didn't see that at the time, but I see it now. The real gift was perspective. I had a choice: to build trust or to degrade trust. Work happens at the speed of two people trusting each other. I say this six years later in reflection of the sheer amount of growth and perspective I've built since then. All I was doing was degrading trust. I was degrading trust with teammates and the clients.

So, here's what I'd do differently: I'd build trust with the founder. I'd listen. I'd try to understand their perspective, and their terms. I'd seek to understand why they did what they did, and what concerns they had. Because without this, we as a team won't be able to make any positive progress at all. It's really not about producing work. When no one accepts the work you produce, you don't achieve the goals you want. Nothing changes. To make change you must get the alignment. And that takes trust, and human connection with those who you think "have beans up their nose". Meanwhile, what beans are up our own noses? Where are we contributing to worsening trust with others? Where might we be hindering alignment and shared understanding?

This is the approach I take first in everything. Here's a template with a game I call "Where's the Bean?"

Let's Play "Where's the Bean?"

To play "Where's the Bean", we need to become "bean detectives". Honesty is key. We need to look at what beans are up our own noses as much as anyone else's noses. In fact, a people-first leader always looks at themselves first. We take accountability for our own actions, behavior, or thoughts. We only look at beans up others' noses so that we can build empathy. We can use empathy to decide how to build trust. This game helps you look at your contribution to trust building while you try to build a shared language.

What's the situation and behavior?

The founder of a company took a team's work and asked them to re-do it. Then, after re-doing it, the team creates the same result they made before.

"Where's the Bean"?

Let's go, bean detectives. The founder:

1. Did not communicate why he wanted us to start over.
2. Didn't acknowledge the team's hard work.
3. Wasted a lot of development hours.
4. Barged into our work, and made us re-do the same exact thing we did before.
5. Maybe was not paying attention.

Is there a "Bean" up my own nose? Where could I have degraded trust?

Yes, of course there is. Of course I degraded trust. I:

1. Got argumentative and righteous.
2. Didn't ask him why.
3. Advocated for only our approach.
4. Didn't build a relationship with the founder.
5. We assumed the key decision makers were the client's team.
6. Did not try to understand the perspective of the founder.

How could I have built trust?

I could have:

1. Listened carefully to the founder's concerns and acknowledged them.
2. Sought to define the terms they were using so that I could speak their language.
3. Made them feel like we are allies trying to achieve the same outcomes.

How should I approach it in the future?

1. Define common terms they use.
2. Listen, and acknowledge the truth in the other person's words.
3. Let them know I am listening and I see their truth.
4. Play out the situation; don't try to "force the bean".
5. Measure outcomes once we achieve them.
6. Look for opportunities to build trust with the founder, and the team.

The Moral of the Story

1. You probably have a bean up your own nose that you can't see when you are so focused on other beans up other noses. Reflection and your contribution to trust building is key to your own growth as a people-first leader.
2. Everything is subjective. They may be right about the bean that you think is wrong! You may be wrong. You have to let go of ego to be a people-first leader.
3. Defining terms that others use is the quickest way for you to validate your own assumptions and move forward together.